Thursday, July 6, 2017

Missing my Dad

Sept. 7, 2016 I lost my Dad to cancer. He was diagnosed in the fall of 2013 with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and was given 7-12 months to live. He lived for another 3 years. He told me when he got diagnosed, he was not ready to go yet, he had things to do, he wanted 3 more birthdays, and at least 2 more Christimas', and he got them. He fought hard, I forget how many rounds of chemo he had, 6 maybe, seemed like he was doing chemo rounds 2 times a year that lasted at least 4 months, with a few months off in between. He was a strong man,  his body shutting down on him was very hard for him to deal with. He kept exercising, eating right, getting rest, anything he could do for one more day. He woke up everyday and thanked the Lord for another day on this earth, he reminded me that I needed to be doing the same, as none of us are getting out of this alive. He used to say he just happened to know his time was coming sooner then most knew. One day I was trying to get him to slow down, to stop doing so much, clearly it was getting hard for him to walk, or do minor tasks,  he got upset with me and told me, "I can't just sit around and wait to die, I have to be doing something, ANYTHING."

About a week before he died he said he wanted to talk to me, funny, since all we'd been doing was talking all the time, but he said he wanted to have a serious talk. He told me how worried about me he was,  he was worried him being sick and dying was something he thought I might not never recover from. He told me, I had to let him go, I had to be ready to move on, to remember him always in my heart, but that I needed to let him go. He told me, the first few months, the first year, are going to be very hard, but its okay, it will get better he said. You'll think of me a little less as time goes by, and at first you might feel guilty about that, but try not to, that's whats supposed to happen, your supposed to miss me, but keep then keep moving forward. Even in his last days, he was trying to teach me, to guide me, to help me. He was amazing, he was not thinking of himself, or his pain, he was trying to comfort me, he was worried for us. We had a long cry, we held hands and told each other some of our favorite memories,  he made me promise I would not be mad at God for him being sick and dying. I realized that my selfish attempts to hold onto him, were holding him up from what he needed to do. I told him I was ready to let him go, and tried to express how much my heart was breaking, and how much I would miss him. He told me he was going to miss me too, but he would check in on me when he could. We laughed at that, I told him he better find a way to let me know from the other side how it was over there. He died about 4 days after that conversation. We watched him as he had one foot in this world, and one in the other, and did our best to let him go. Towards the end he couldn't say my name, he couldn't say Christy,  he kept calling me Christmas, it was bittersweet.

So here I am almost 10 months later,  while it's not getting easier, it is more manageable,  I am finally able to understand what he was trying to tell me. My Dad did not want me to get stuck in that place of grief and sadness, he wants me to live, to be happy, to not waste anymore time on fear, grief, doubt, or any of that kind of bullshit. I know he would be proud of me today, tackling the big things I need to, and taking steps to learn how to relax, to take better care of myself. I finally was able to talk to God, tell him I am still mad, but I am ready to start talking to him again, I told God, I just need help, I don't know how sometimes to process all this. Hopefully I start hearing the messages he is sending me soon, as it will take more time to really be open and still and find the way he is showing me.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope, and that hope is starting to beat out the fear. I am learning to let go, to do what I like again,  I am being kind to myself and taking the steps I need to move forward.  Moving forward felt very hard at first, it felt like I was moving further away from my Dad, until I realized, he is coming with me, he will never be far from me, he is with me always. Like my friend Marsha said, "When I watch the sunset, I am seeing it through my Moms eyes, for her, sharing it with her." One smart cookie my friend Marsha.

My Dad was an amazing, wonderful man,  I miss dearly,  as I move forward and put that part of my life behind me, he is coming with me on all the great adventures yet to be. Thank you for all the love, and such a beautiful life Dad, I promise not to waste another minute.
All my love to you Pop,
Christina 


Thursday, March 17, 2016

Winters last breath

Winter is holding on, but Spring is just around the corner.....Thank goodness, feels like the longest winter of my life.

Monday, November 23, 2015

22 months later

Putting another year of gardening to bed. Not one post in almost 2 years, hard to believe how quickly time passes.  Slowly finding my way back, with the help of family and friends. Things look brighter now, even though we are heading into the darkness of the winter months, traditionally the time for all gardeners to tuck ourselves away,  I look forward for the first time in years to this time of reflection, renewal, rebuilding, and preparation of the dreams of the rebirth of spring.

For 22 months, or longer, the darkness has taken me over. I have finally began to undo it, and have started to shine again. The garden has changed much in the last 2 growing seasons, I have learned a lot, lost hope a lot, but such is the life of a gardener. From seedling to harvest anything can happen, and  indeed these last 2 growing seasons have taught me so much. As the winter begins to take hold and settle in, I put this year behind me and let the future shine through the winter darkness.


 Until then, good night sweet garden, fairies, gnomes, and all magical creatures. May you find warmth in the shelter of red shed, and slumber well with dreams spring. I look forward to our awakening in a few short months.


Saturday, January 4, 2014

2013 review in photos

After thinking about how I wanted to start blogging again, I figured the first of the year is a perfect time to start.  I thought of many ways to sort of end the old and start the new.  I could answer questions geared towards things I did, and didn't do, things I hope to do, personal things about me, but it all sounded like to much work after a year that kicked my ass. 2013 was a bitch of year for me, the loss of my 18 year companion kitty, HRH Aretmis, and the diagnosis of my Fathers terminal liver cancer bookended my year in suckville.

I decided that a photo journey of the few things this year that had great impact on me would be best. I will add a little bit about each photo, but will leave it up to you to surmise 2013 with your own eyes.

Happy 2014

HRH Sir Artemis RIP kitty 

                            Crafting adventure with The Makerie in Boulder



                                           San Fran for wine and tours
                                         The gardens at Alcatraz


Birthday high tea at The Brown Palace & Blanket Lisa and I made for Jenn, Well, Lisa did most of the work,  especially fixing my lame ass squares.
                  




     1st Rockies game in years with my Cousin Lisa and God Daughter Jordyn
           End of the season Rockie game with my Dad, just about a week before he got sick
    Sunrise in the hospital lobby while getting a moments peace after sitting with my Dad


            A beautiful fall day completely lost on me as I am consumed with sadness and anger
  
Punkin Chunkin with my brothers team, all I wanted was a cold beer and some peace and quiet 

  Dad and the men in the family making traditional popcorn balls

 Sitting with my Dad while he gets a chemo infusion

 Ending the year on a good note, Christmas tea with my Mom at the Brown Palace

Saturday, July 27, 2013

July 27, 2013

Much has been going on in the garden, so much to catch you up on, but for now, a quick summary of  today's harvest, there was okra, tomatoes, basil, Thai chili's, and zucchini. More to come soon, just a quick hello and current image of the garden this year. Happy gardening, if your hands are clean, your doing it wrong!
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