Saturday, February 4, 2012

A much needed snow day....well snow weekend

Well, that's me. Something I decided to work on is getting more shots of myself. Seems I am always on the other side of the camera, I don't like to take pics of myself, so I am working on it.  :) We got over 20" of snow here in the last few days, and I have literally only been outside to shovel since Thursday night. So much has been going on in the last 3 weeks, its a little bit crazy, but Mother Nature sure knew what I needed, and that was time alone, at home. Thanks to the snow storm, I got snowed in and was forced to slow the hell down, relax, and evaluate the way I have been living my life.
 I shoveled 3 times since Thursday, my back hurting,  I was cold, wet, yet grateful for every move I could make. Even if I slipped, or didn't get that perfect shovel full of snow,  and it took me twice as long to clear it all away.  Who cares! I realize I have been complacent in my life for to long,  events of the last two weeks brought that to light, thank goodness, because now I start everyday with gratitude. I have a saying posted above my kitchen doorway it says, "Breath, when you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breath, to think, to enjoy, to love." ~Marcus Aurelius.  Amen to that!! It was something so simple that I have been taking for granted. Our lives are so precious, my life, my family, how did I lose sight of that?
 Since the Year of the Dragon began, I have lost a friend, an Uncle, and my Sister in law is still in the hospital struggling to pull through a severe brain injury. She is alive, breathing, thinking, but she is fighting everyday to come back to the fullness of her life. She was in a medically induced coma for 9 days, since then her progress has been amazing. She is talking, moving all her limbs, working on walking again, but she has a long way to go. She is with us, but childlike, she is learning life all over again. For her, her husband, her kids, their life is forever changed. Our families lives are forever changed as we figure out how to adjust, how to plan to take care of our family, accepting that life is now different. Yesterday I was enjoying the quiet of my home, the ease of making dinner, and trying to decided what movie to watch and my thoughts turned to Jennifer and Chad, all I could do was cry. I think as a family we are all feeling guilty that we are starting to feel bits and pieces of happiness again while our Jen struggles to eat, sit up, and grasp at fleeting memories of her life. We all want to just wake up from this horrible nightmare, and  it's hard to know where to go from here. I believe  she will comeback to us fully, but it will take a very long time.
 So many things have shattered me, yet made me humble recently that every turn feels like a new life lesson, its a little exhausting. I wake up thinking man, what a beautiful day, I have so much to do, then I think of Jen again, and think, all I need to do is make the phone call and see what Chad and the girls need today, everything else is secondary. We worry about over stepping our bounds, about Chad,  the girls and about each other. We get snippy, cranky, and irritated, we fight about who can do what, and who should do what, it makes me feel sad sometimes. Then as I think about it and try to put all this into some kind of perspective, I think, the bottom line is, we all want to help our family. We all want to be there for them, we are literally fighting over who gets to love them the most. As crazy as that is, it is beautiful.
For the last 2ish years I have struggled with my life, thinking what did I do wrong to make my marriage fail, how am I going to deal with not having children, how am I going to heal after the love of my life crushed heart into so many pieces? whine whine whine. How am I ever going to be able to afford a nicer house some day, a new car,  how will I ever lose the weight, and what if I never find another love again, how do I get a different life that is full of the things I wanted instead of what I ended up, which is a life that is full of failures? Where the hell do I go from there? Then, life takes over, and floors me. Over the last few years,  I have held  the hand of two people I love as they passed from this world to the next, and now I watch someone I love begin the fight to come back to us. 3 years worth of lessons slamming me all at once, and  I realize now how foolish, small minded, and ridiculous I have been.  Wasting my time on all that insignificant selfish stuff. It's not about me, I've had it wrong all this time. Thank goodness my family and friends have always stuck by me, so that now that I get it, I can lather them with love, and I have so much love to share! I am thankful!
Struggling with how to get through this rough time, I finally get it, Its not what I have or don't have, it's all in the eyes I use to view the world around me. I was seeing only what I wanted to see. Seeing things a certain way enables us to continue the way we are living without taking responsibility for ourselves, or having to make the hard changes we need to, to make our lives what we want them to be. Using all those complaints,  I can justify all the crap in my life if I want to, because my heart was stomped, my marriage ended, my life is not what I want so I'm gonna pout and be sad...or I can say, hey, I  made some bad choices, but my life is truly full of love and joy, and all that crap brought me here, to today, giving me the ability to be grateful for another day to get it right, another day to face the light and shine! My Cousin Lisa said to me after my divorce that I was responsible for my own happiness now, she was right, but the truth is, I should have been responsible for it all along. My Dad has always said, "you can control your own destiny", he was right, and man have I been wasting time. A few summers ago I thought I had the clarity I needed, but I only glimpsed it, I was not able to hang onto it. Now, there is  no doubt that I have gotten the message. Thank you Mother Nature for slowing me down and making me face it, and put it all together. There are blessings all around me, now that I have  my eyes wide open to see them I am flooded with happiness, joy, and love.
This is Jen and Mckenna, if you would like to help the family please go to to make a donation. If you are unable to do that, any prayers, positive energy, love, and compassion you send her way would be welcome and appreciated.

As for me, today is the day I say this to the world:
Dear sorrows and demons,
This is goodbye! I will no longer be dancing or wrestling with you, life is to short to waste my time on you.  I will be out playing in the light and love that is my life. I don't want to miss this second chance at making my life as beautiful as I can dream it to be. If you try to make a comeback in  my life, I will be forced to hug & love you to death. 

ps-as I finish writing this post, MJ's song, Man in the Mirror is playing, how completely appropriate, and totally uplifting, how does the universe know what I need right when I need it. :) I've heard that song a million times, but never really listened to it until today. Beautiful.

pps- I also got my garden planting schedule worked out this weekend, something I know Jen will love, she called my yard her garden, and helped whenever she could......see...playing in the light is more fun. I'll post that stuff soon :)
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